The Pledges

What? Google Images was lacking today...

Over the past few weeks or so, I've made some pledges to myself for the sake of integrity within my very own mindset. Whether it's to avoid spoilers, honour a piece of work or just stay sane, these act as little bite size rules for the very dangerous life as a teenage writer/geek/swimwear model.

Avoid Second Trailers
Movies are awesome; there's no argument in that. Therefore with the oncoming arrival of a hotly anticipated release comes the slew of media coverage and trailers that give us a glimpse of how the film's going to look, sound and feel. But sometimes, when you watch all the trailers released before a movie's opening, the film gets a bit "When is that line going to come?" or "I wonder how they'll work that scene from the trailer into the unfolding plot..." .
 
    To counteract this unyielding wave of destructive spoilers, I've decided that second trailers are a no-no. Half the time I know I'm going to watch the movie anyway, so what's the point on getting more sold on it? I know some go entire blackout on stuff like this, which I'm sure works out great, but I seriously don't have the will power to give up trailers altogether, and that very first glimpse is all too desirable to forget. After all, what would happen to our beloved Trailer Tuesdays if I went ultimate cold turkey on those good ol' three minute peeks? No, so it's first trailers only from here on out.



Reject "Follow Backs"
So Twitter; that huge social networking, micro-blogging, up-to-date powerhouse that fills up (usually unproductively) a good part of the day. In some minds - the ones which I like to call the clever minds - it is a media tool to both share your experiences/thoughts/feelings/work and feel a part of someone else's, be it celebrity, friend or web-outlet. But then there are those who see it as a popularity contest: high school on a global scale. And so the "I follow back" is born.
 
   I'm sure you savvy Twitterees know what I mean, you may even do it, which isn't such a bad thing if that's your thing. But I cannot get my head around the phenomenon: why would I want to clog my timeline up with a bunch of people's useless tweets about football or food or whether they just showered, just so I can gain a few more people to view mine within the same degree? If I'm following someone it's because I respect them, admire them, or socially know them and do it in a show of friendliness, not because I merely want their follow. Seriously, a few extra numbers on a pixelated web page is hardly worth the compromise of truly earning followers who want to follow you for you.




Read The Book First

These days, it's getting increasingly harder to find a film that wasn't based on an existing franchise before its production, typically focusing its literal lenses on a previously successful novel. Now in an entirely hypercritical notion against the trailer rule, whereby spoilers are the aim of the game, I'm going to try and understand the issues of "Why'd they miss that chapter from the film" and what-not, by reading the book before hand when possible.

   Obviously this can't happen for every single film with literary roots, but it's the least I can do to get the most out of a film, and perhaps appreciate it and the original author's work a little better. There's actually an existing scheme in place online here, where you can "Take The Pledge" yourself to "Read First" wherever humanly possible. You may even notice that new widget down the sidebar expressing the promise, just as my friends over at He Said She Said have done too.




Watch The Proper Airing
It can be inexplicably frustrating to discover that one of your favourite shows is going to take a number of months to reach your own airing shores. So much so that unfortunately many of us turn to unofficial internet streaming (outside of iPlayer, Netflix, etc) to get our fix, neglecting the show of its all important ratings to keep it afloat in the ruthless age of television. Sure, you may think my one viewing won't really matter, but if everyone thinks that then they've just lost out of an extra .5 million rating.

Which is why I'm taking this pledge, to support our shows and keep them on air. Here's the rules for it:

New Show That Takes A Few Months: Wait for it.
Beloved Show That Takes A Few Weeks: Wait for it.
Beloved Show That Takes A Few Months: Wait, unless absolutely necessary to stream, i.e. To talk about with friends.
Beloved Show That Takes Indefinite Periods of Ridiculous Time: Stream

As you can see, I'm not perfect on this, because some shows just take too long to get here *Cough*Community*Cough so I feel literally forced by my need for this. To balance this out, I make sure I pick up the boxset when it releases or just re-watch them when they eventually do air. It worked for Heroes, which is why it managed to still get 4 seasons; yep, that was all me.

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Well, there's my pledges for you. Why not think up some of your own and stay more disciplined for it, or carry on living the happy-go-lucky, do-as-I-please lifestyle that you've already got going on, you untameable beast, you.

ATR

Trailer Tuesday: Movie:The Movie

Technically not an actual movie, but a fun little jab at Hollywood's most popular genres, Movie:The Movie is a must see 9 Minute short featuring many, many familiar faces. Check it out:

Yup, that's that.

Stay tuned as I've caught wind that a new Avengers trailer is launching tomorrow, which is just begging for a breakdown...

More ACTUAL Trailers

ATR

RE:View: Garfunkel and Oates - Slippery When Moist

The ukulele/guitar sporting comedy duo are back, with their third studio album, featuring all the wacky, crude and awesome things we've come to expect from the girls' music. This time releasing a full 13 tracks - some old, some new, some really new - Garfunkel and Oates aren't just talking about sex and relationships this time, bringing a whole slew of lyric bases and genre mick-takes.

1. Wow - In this exciting, fast paced ditty (lasting only 35 seconds), the two present a song that is oddly ambiguous in meaning. At first, it seems like a straightforward introduction to the new album and their upbeat, quirky style, sounding not far from a 90s cartoon theme tune. But listen properly to the lyrics and you'll notice it has a nice feel-good factor, telling you "You're really cool" in a sweet pick-you-up notion. In some ways, it seems just like a Thank-You from them for shelling out £7.99 for this digital-only download. All in all, a fresh, fun start.

2. Go Kart Racing - While this one may be based on true events, don't expect some deep, soulful Adele style song. No, because this is Garfunkel and Oates, so naturally the line after "Go kart racing" is "accidently masturbating", and the rest of the 2:04 song is spent describing this awkwardly pleasurable situation... Not one for the Grandma, but plenty of knee-slapping one-liners and an insanely catchy hook will have you repeating this at all the wrong moments. The key-change at the end is something to look forward to, and just the mere fact that this is classic chord strumming simplicity keeps it from getting too outrageous.

3. I Don't Know Who You Are -  Riki and Kate's ability to nail real world, day to day awkward situations in their lyrics really shines through in this one, because I'm sure we've all had someone come say "Hello" and not have an effing clue who they are. Again, simple chords rule the rhythm (with the addition of some chimes at times), and the pair's vocals sound really gentle, tidy and right on throughout. Ironic, considering the C-bomb gets dropped early on...

4. Handjob, Blandjob, I Don't Understand Job - The rudest, funniest and richest song on the album, as G'n'O tackle that tedious problem of how to jerk a guy off. It really is as explicit as it sounds, making no apologies for likening a penis end to a "Darth Vader Pez Despenser" and the 'nads for The Muppets' Statler and Waldorf. There's a ton of celebrity references, some of which are a little vague, while others are absolute genius ("More singled out than CHRIS HARDWICK!"). The synth-dance beats busting out in the back lend it another flavour too. A gem, but just be careful of repeating it out in public...

5. Save The Rich - Like "Sex With Ducks" from their previous album, "Save The Rich" takes a satirical poke at political issues, this time with the whole Economic Inequality deal that swept over America this last year. Based on keyboard, and with a patriotic vibe going on, the song really takes off with the blatant tongue-in-cheek lines like "Children to exploit" and "Without their 7th home, how will they make it through?". The proper recording is also a vast improvement on the ropey YouTube version they'd uploaded a while back, allowing full appreciation of the song's entirety.

6. Hey Girl in The Moonlight - A good ol' classic that first appeared on their debut album, Music Songs, this one is undeniably Garfunkel and Oates, with their awkward-moment lyrics, sweet chordal structure and in a delightfully quick fix of 1:21. Quite a defining song for the duo, which works really great if you're craving a lil' comedic motivation.

7. The Ex-Boyfriend Song - Sensational. Truly, this is just a complete comic masterpiece. 6 seconds long, but just so god damn funny. You have to hear it to believe it. Moments like this is what reminds us that Garfunkel and Oates are still entirely original.

8. Silver Lining - Another one from Music Songs, but one that definitely needs more exposure due to its brilliance. It's obvious the gals can do comedy, but with Silver Lining things sound a bit more serious and surprisingly it works rather wonderfully. Sure there are some humourous beats in there, but ultimately this is about picking yourself back up after a break-up or similar incident and feeling good about yourself. Actually quite touching, this song stands out as a cute, self-esteem boosting tune that plays beautifully on the ears.

9. I Would Never (Have Sex With You) - What I love about this track is its familiarity. Taking on a bouncy, joyful and classically 40s sound, I Would Never gives some of the cleanest (but nonetheless fun) lyrics and has an honestly jolly warmth to it.  If you were looking for an upbeat, bob-along song, then this is it.

10. Google - Kicking in to ballad mode now, with the contrast between daftly apt lyrics of Googling a potential date, and the strong flow of the very power-ballad chorus. Of course, there's a few iddy-widdy bridges that serve as nice breaks (and sound oddly like nursery rhymes) and the last line's a killer.

11.  I Would Never (Dissect a Ewe) - In a meta-esque throwback to No. 9, the girls prove their comedic ability, literally riffing off their own material in side-cracking, gut busting self-mockery. Yep, taking all the same parts from the previous tune we're now rewarded a piece about science class and dissection of animals (hell, you may even learn a thing or two). I presume this started out as a joke and then blossomed into a fully realised, awesomely laugh-tacular song, which is something no other artist could probably get away with. Enjoy, but just watch out for that "Sheep Ghost"...

12. My Apartment's Very Clean Without You - We go melodic with this piano/vocal track, which gives out the pretence of being some sort of meaningful sad song, and then makes it all ironic with the whole "I'm glad I dumped you, because you messed my place up" theme. More variation like this is always welcome, and does a decent job of rounding out the album before the final track, in a calm, sophisticated and truthfully funny way.

13. Go - Coming full circle with an identical set up to No. 1's Wow, Go does pretty much the same thing, except in an even more grander fashion. That Feel-Good factor is now amplified and set to a more Motivational pace, urging - daring - you to "Go Live Your Dreams" and is amazingly inspirational if you really listen to it. A very sugary high note to end the album, making anything that you didn't like (somehow) become forgettable in place of this diamond. Le fin.

A great album for any comedy loving fan, with a musical heart that you'll be hard pressed to find elsewhere. The only downside: could've done with a couple more songs, maybe a special "Featuring Guest Star..." one. But the comedy within its own self, even outside of the music, is a sure selling point that makes it clear that Garfunkel and Oates have a vivid staying power, and a bright, jolly future ahead.

4/5 Stars

Buy It Now On iTunes!   
              

Check Out My RE:Commendation of G'n'O

See What They Could Do On Husbands

ATR

RE:View: The Muppets

Spoiler Level: Minor

After years of minor TV movies and cameo appearances, The Muppets finally return to the big screen, and they're bringing all their charm, magic and beauty with them. Yes, despite all the worry, The Muppets come-back is a spectacular one that doesn't take itself too seriously, in true Muppets style, and delivers on almost every level.

  The story sees mega-Muppet fan brothers Walter (a little Muppety man in his own right) and Gary (Jason Segel, who also co-wrote and got this whole thing together), as they make their way to LA to see the legendary Muppets' Studios, along with Gary's long-time girlfriend, Mary (Amy Adams). But little do they know that their journey is going to involve reuniting their heroes, The Muppets to save their theatre from evil oil baron, Tex Richman (Chris Cooper).

This set-up to reintroduce the Muppets to a world from which they were staling with a humbling self-referential cheek, is what gives the story a very warm heart that hearkens back to the Henson days of Muppetery. In other hands, this could have seemed like a cheap and easy way to make another Muppets film, but in Segel (a self-proclaimed Muppet-nut himself) and director James Bobin's hands, it just works. Segel's love for the Muppets is ever present in the charming script, with some definite connections between his own fandom and the characters of Walter and Gary.

An old favourite and a new favourite.

With Walter, the team have truly struck gold, presenting one of the most likeable, relatable characters I've ever encountered. If you don't immediately fall in love with him, I think it's safe to say you have no heart. Not only that, but he's given a wealth of development despite the lime-light being shared between Kermit, Miss Piggy and everyone else. Watching Walter fulfil his destiny in becoming a Muppet is a heart-touching experience, worthy of any good Human centred story; perhaps even exceeding it in terms of emotional beauty.

Once Walter, Gary and Mary are all set up into proceedings, the film kicks into nostalgic high gear with the entrance of Kermit and his buds. Taking on a classic "We're getting the band back to together" vibe, we get to see the "Where are they now?" for the old gang, including Fozzie as a failed motel entertainer, Gonzo as a plumbing entrepreneur and Piggy as the editor of Vogue magazine. Again, the universal wit of The Muppets shines through this, giving out laughs for the kids, the adults and even a few subtle ones for the adult adults. One Liners, Set Piece Gags, Running Puns, Meta Mocking and "What's Going on In The Background There?" are all at the very forefront of the jokes, with the hits far more frequent than the 1 or 2 misses.

  The characters still feel like the ones we'd left behind, saying what you'd expect and acting as they would, resonating the Henson/Oz spirit that made them the cult-phenomenon that they are today. When they get on that stage for the "Save The Muppets Telethon Spectacular Show", everything comes flooding back and you just live in that Muppet world for those moments. The transition into a new era has gone as smooth as it could; the magic always intact - never the thought of "there's actually a bunch of dudes with their hands up some puppets behind it all". The truth is that when you see Kermit sitting on that log with his little banjo, singing "Rainbow Connection" with the same innocent earnest as he did 33 years ago, it is just pure, undeniable movie magic. Heart-String-Tugging indeed.

 Which brings me to the music, because of course, it wouldn't be the Muppets if there wasn't any giggle-a-long (and often strikingly meaningful and touching) songs. Flight of The Conchord's Bret McKenzie provides some of the greatest Musical numbers - even by Broadway standards - that you'll hear in a long time. Alongside the classic Muppet tunes and some renowned pop hits that have been "Muppetefied", McKenzie, like Segal, has embodied the old school Henson style, with the shiny, upbeat "Life's A Happy Song", the brilliant, Oscar Nominated ballad, "Man Or Muppet" and the villainous "Let's Talk About Me" rap from Chris Cooper (which comes off hilariously dastardly - hilarstardly). Tongue in cheek and gloriously Muppety, these new songs are sure to be well remembered, repeated and rejoiced. Oh, and the Conchord's style is so awesomely echoed throughout.

Ah, and the cameos, the glorious, glorious cameos. Whilst some may be missed by those less familiar with American TV and culture, those that get them will be overwhelmingly pleased. Their presence is frequent, with some well loved show-biz faces popping up in some delightfully funny places.  Believe me, one in particular was so exciting and genius that I was giddy beyond belief. And naturally, they all reappear in the during-credits "Mah Na Mah Na" theme, to much (in my head) applause.

 Sure it's got its flaws; some things don't get enough time as they deserve to truly flourish, predominantly in the relationship between Mary and Gary which feels a tad rushed and unfocused. A few Muppets, while featured, seem neglected (more Gonzo, Rizzo and Sam The Eagle please!), but it's justified with the obvious time constraints. Baddie Richman could have done with some extra motif via exposition too, but that does get cleared up in a cut section of his rap.

 But this is The Muppets: those things don't matter. We're not looking at an ultra serious movie here, after all. It's got all the elements it needs, and is fuelled by them to no end, resulting in an almost perfect rendition of The Muppets to date. And it's like Henson always said: "If it's too good, then it's not the Muppets". What Segel, Bobin and McKenzie have done is extraordinary; a true movie feat - to take something that's relevance was fading, and replenish it to audiences which will remember and love and crave, want, whistle and cry for more. One thing's for sure: THE MUPPETS ARE BACK.

The Beloved just got Reloved:

4.5/5 Stars
*Kermit Flail*

ATR

And stay posted for my upcoming review on The Muppets Original Soundtrack!

ANIMAL WANT MORE REVIEWS!

5 Ways Tai Chi Can Change Your Life

For about 18 months now, I've been taking Tai Chi classes. Yep, that's right, Tai Chi: that slow moving, serene, "breath-a-lot thing" that you've probably seen on TV and read about in countless types of media. It's often said that the art form of Tai Chi can "enhance your fitness" and become an almost therapeutic relaxation method, even prevent you from falling ill so often and improve your memory. But then there all these other things I've found have improved within my life since starting, which don't always get the exposure they deserve. So I'm here to set things straight, and reveal to you the secret, dazzling underbelly of true Tai Chi, and the seriously amazing effects it can evoke.


1. Patience
The movement of Tai Chi is all about control through fluidity, and being able to sustain a usually slow pace through the "Form". This "Form" consists of a set of moves (in mine, known as The White Crane Form, there are 65), which all have a potential for martial application. Where I train, students are drip fed the moves, allowing only a new move to be learnt once the previous has been fully understood and executed.

  This long process can often be frustrating, practicing over and over the same set of moves before another can be given. But this creates patience. A sturdy amount of it too. When you're going through the Form, one's choice to take it steady means it often will take a while to get through the entire set, and so to stay cool and determined with that, you have to be patient; there's no other choice. When this occurs on a weekly basis, you truly begin to build up that core control of time that can be transferred to almost everything else in your lifestyle.


2. Reflex
Although Tai Chi is considered a soft-style martial art, it doesn't mean that its application for self-defence is any less lethal than that of its sister art, Kung Fu. Just take a look at this video, and then try and tell me that Tai Chi is just for old people and self-proclaimed hippies:



Whilst it would take an incredibly experienced student to pull off the level of martial prowess demonstrated in this video, those with even the base skills of Tai Chi can and will feel the affects it has on stance, reflex and retaliation in the face of physical adversity. Just the other day I found myself at odds with a significantly larger guy at school, as he held a plastic ruler carved crudely at the end to mimic the aesthetic of a knife. (Don't worry, it wasn't anything serious, he was just joking around for the most part.) So as he feints a lunge at me, I find myself grabbing his forth-right arm, and going into a move reminiscent of one known as "Cross to The Stretch". Next thing I know, his head's recoiling from my outstretched palm that somehow found its way to his face, giving him a sharp smack on the nose.

   Although he was surprised I was capable of such resistance, he luckily accepted my apologies and wasn't that bothered over it (he's hard skinned, let's say), so just shrugged it off and walked away. But the point I'm trying to make is that without my Tai Chi knowledge, there was no way that whole encounter would have gone the way it did. The reaction I had was a subconscious reflex, embedded within me simply by the 16 or so moves I know and the year and a half of Tai Chi lessons.

 To be honest, I didn't even know myself that I was capable of such self defence, but that just goes to show how much Tai Chi does for you behind closed doors. And it's not just defence these newly found reflexes could come in handy, as things like catching, landing and stopping could all be improved by the form. So ultimately, Tai Chi could one day save your life, and you wouldn't even know it until it happened...
(Disclaimer: Tai Chi not actual form of life insurance)

3. Focus
When practising Tai Chi and its forms, you're often encouraged to go into the "Thousand Yard Stare", detaching yourself from everything else around you, yet still being fully aware of their movements. It's an odd concept, but an easy one once you get the hang of it. The process of this creates a link between you and your motions, allowing an intense focus to take hold. Your eyes remain coldly on that far point in the distance, yet your mind - now clear of distractions -  moves your limbs in a poetic fashion, layering that muscle memory deep into the brain's excesses. As this happens, there should be silence all around, with nothing but the tip-tap of that essential foot work to accompany the steely resolve of someone thinking and living solely within those Tai Chi movements.

  Besides making you feel undeniably mystical, the Thousand Yard Stare can be applied in other life-situations that require focusing a huge deal on physicality and even mentality. For me, I try this before and after exam papers, when I've got a few minutes either side of the test. When you get into that rock-solid frame of mind, nearly anything seems possible. Matched with the necessary "Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth", this aspect of Tai Chi can bring a shed-load of focus into whatever it is you need doing. Unless it's the Force: believe me when I say that Tai Chi does not give you Jedi powers. Stupid internet rumours...

4. Rhythm, Grace and Balance
People often forget that "Martial Art" is a two word phrase, and that that second word is just as important as the first. When you see someone performing Tai Chi, regardless of the style, you can't deny its strangely hypnotic attractiveness. The slow lull of timed movements like a stream rolling smoothly down its course is what makes Tai Chi so unique; what makes it an art. And this lends the participant an entire skill set of  wonder...

Just your average Tai Chi student.

   With your knees bent slightly to keep a constant, unbreakable stance, your breathing synced perfectly with the shift in move to move, and your motions kept tight and fluid, there comes a certain sense of euphoria within yourself. The combination of rhythm, grace and balance is hard to explain, though it's a very useful thing to have indeed. Nearly tripped over? Don't worry, you can just ease yourself back onto stable footing now that Tai Chi has taught you your centre of gravity. Lunging for that tricky shot in [insert preferred racket sport here]? No problem: a simple lean and glide will make it look graceful. Tapping out of time to a song? Just breath, think about the beat - really listen for its heart - and apply your form-based rhythm to catch up. Heck, I'm even willing to bet that the timing that rubs off from Tai Chi can even improve your comedic timing: just as long as there's no "chi"eap stereo"tai"pe jokes...

5. People Will Think You're Awesome
Whenever I get round to telling people that I do Tai Chi, there's always this underlying smugness about it, because people are usually surprised; followed by impressed. At least that's the way it seems when their eye-brows peak and their eyes widen, mouth opening to say something like "Really? Cool.", and then bow down to your utter epicness. Okay, so maybe the bowing happens metaphorically, but the fact remains (despite no independent studies to say so): Tai Chi sounds awesome.

  An interesting and culturally varied activity like this has the power to turn people's perceptions from boring office worker to sophisticated zen master; naive teenager to mature and cultured young adult; fitness meat-head to calm and focused health enthusiast. Then there's a shroud of mystery around this Asian phenomenon, that acquaintances find fascinating - like an ancient, deadly secret that only Tai Chi students know.

Socially, this can give great benefits. It's a topic that sparks talking points (What? Where? Why? Is That...? I used to do... etc), gives another dimension to character and generally puts you in a light that makes you seem more down to earth, more approachable, more diverse. Slap Tai Chi on a good CV, and employers can see (if they're worth their salt) that you've got a level-headed work ethic, a sturdy determination and a edgy personality that'll be great for the chosen job.

Plus you'll look like a bad-ass. So if all else fails, there's still that...

                                                                                                                                               

If this piece has you interested in Tai Chi, and you want to find out where to learn, simply google Tai Chi + your local area and see what comes up. You'd be surprised at how popular and common it really is. And if that local area happens to be Horsham (UK) or its outlying areas (West Sussex), why not try White Crane Academy and see me there!

ATR
@DMeisterTweets