Trailer Tuesday: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

A little late, I admit, but I can't just let such a monumental trailer slip by without my most humble of dissections. Yes, we shall be returning to Middle-Earth this December when Peter Jackson's highly anticipated prequel to the epic Lord of The Rings trilogy finally hits cinemas, in an unprecedented level of 3D with 48 Frames per Second (that's good). Without further a-do, here's the synopsis for any Shire dwellers out there less acquainted with the tale:

"The adventure follows the journey of title character Bilbo Baggins, who is swept into an epic quest to reclaim the lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor from the fearsome dragon Smaug. Approached out of the blue by the wizard Gandalf the Grey, Bilbo finds himself joining a company of thirteen dwarves led by the legendary warrior, Thorin Oakenshield. Their journey will take them into the Wild; through treacherous lands swarming with Goblins and Orcs, deadly Wargs and Giant Spiders, Shapeshifters and Sorcerers." - Warner Bros

And prepare to get all goose-bumpy with the trailer to rule them all:



Now prepare to get all knowledgeable with my breakdown:

• 0:12 - Ah, even that music (produced once more by Howard Shore) takes me back... Especially when we can see the welcome return of Frodo (Elijah Wood) and an old Bilbo (Ian Holm), standing Hobbitly in the Shire during this prologue scene. The film is, after all, going to be seen through their eyes as they read of Bilbo's past escapades.
• 0:23 - And so we come to the real star of this story, a young Bilbo Baggins, marvellously captured by fan favourite, Martin Freeman (of Sherlock fame). Of course, pipes are a-go-go, as well as everyone's favourite wizard, Gandalf the Grey (Sir Ian McKellen).

• 0:29-0:33 - Hobbits can only really ride ponies, as Bilbo demonstrates, while he gathers stock around the Shire markets with that awfully long list the Dwarves give him at the beginning, seen at 0:32. From these short clips alone, it's easy to see why Freeman got the role; looks the part, sounds the part and can really nail the humourous elements of Tolkien's and Jackson's writing.

• 0:35-0:50 - It's Dwarf time! This recreation of the memorable first chapter in which the 13 Dwarves accompany Bilbo for an impromptu party looks very true to form and we get to see each of them (briefly) in action. First up is the youngest of the troupe, brothers Fili and Kili, the latter you may recognise as Being Human's Aidan Turner. Smoking Oin is next, followed by Gloin (father of Gimli!), and then the brutal Dwalin and look-out Balin.  Next is the three cousins, Bifur, funny-guy Bofur (James Nesbitt) and the comically enormous, food consumer Bombur. Nearly there now, with the brothers Ori, Nori and Dori, each with their own physical traits. And finally we have their leader, the mighty Thorin Oakenshield, played by another British actor, Richard Armitage.  
• 0:55-1:15 - As well as all being kick-ass in battle, the group can also lay down some awesome bassy tunes. This is where the spine-shivers start, people, as the Dwarves eerily recite the classic "Over The Misty Mountains", one of many of Tolkien's compositions. Jackson has promised there'll be a greater focus on the music lore of the book, and this definitely backs that claim. 
• 1:19 - Gandalf on his own? This looks like one of the many new scenes created for the film, that fill us in on why the hell Gandalf keeps wandering off. Looks like trouble... Could it be the Necromancer, which has been confirmed as turning up at some point (in the shape of Sherlock himself, Benedict Cumberbatch!)...
• 1:24 - Bilbo finds the broken sword at Elrond's home in Rivendell, another early part of the book. 
• 1:31 - Wait, what? Gandalf and Galadriel (Cate Blanchett), romance sub-plot!? That's certainly... new. Not sure whether to be intrigued by this new angle, or grossed out... 
• 1:36 - More Gandalf "lone-wolving".

• 1:43 - Bilbo draws, for the first time, the legendary sword, Sting, the very same weapon Frodo adopts in years to come. 
• 1:50 - Alright, let's kick this into high gear. With increased tempo (and trumpets) comes those beautiful scenic shots of Middle Earth, also known as New Zealand, as the gang head up toward the daunting Misty Mountains.
• 1:58 - Who exactly is Gandalf fighting in these shots? Necromancer? Goblin/Orc? James Corden!?
• 1:59 - If you pause quickly you'll see some of the dwarves rushing the Trolls from the book's early stages. Mutton, ahoy!
• 2:01 - And if you pause again here you'll see (SPOILER ALERT) Gandalf casting that great beam of searing light to turn those aforementioned trolls to stone. (SPOILER OVER)
• 2:02 - The Dwarven floods wreak havoc on Bilbo's homely hole. 
• 2:12 - Recognise that bit of bling? Yup, that's the One Ring alright. Looking somewhat younger here too - it's amazing what movie magic can do these days.
• 2:25 - A familiar voice... Riddle games with Gollum (Andy Serkis, no less) are sure to be tense...
• 2:29 - December 14th 2012. Luckily just before the apocalypse, allowing you to see it roughly 21 times before we all die. And don't forget that 3D, because this could be just what the tired gimmick needs to revitalise. 

Yes it's still nearly a year out, but you can't rush perfection. Plus this is only the first part, with the second coming one year later, in There and Back Again (which was the title of Bilbo's finished book in the story). This part alone is already running on odds of 3-1 to win a whopping 11 Oscars next year, following in the footsteps of The Return of The King. So until December, make sure you don't die, go blind or deaf or enter a coma, because YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS THIS FILM.

ATR

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Trollers: Anonymous Comedians or Desperate Losers?

What's commonly known as the 'Trollface', associated with almost every Troll going.

Trolling: The act of purposefully antagonizing people on the internet, generally on message boards, to garner a reaction from the site's community.

The art of internet trolling is often that of complex integrity. But what is it that makes people want to log on to various websites, usually those they are the most uninterested in, and just piss people off? An unloved childhood? A constant need for attention? Or maybe just for some sought after laughs?

But before I delve deep into the inner minds of the modern day Troller, just imagine this: Something has gone wrong with your computer and you desperately need this (insert computer feature) that's stopped working . Unable to solve the problem yourself, you turn to the internet for answers. Naturally, your first stop is Yahoo Answers. Eager to fix the harrowing issue, you tap the question in with alarming speed and hit the enter button like there's no tomorrow. Then, with your question published you rapidly press F5 to refresh your page. 5 minutes pass, then 10... Your finger begins to ache when finally an answer appears. Sweat dripping across your brow, you read the fine samaritan's answer with increased anticipation. But this is no good samaritan, as your hope turns to anger when your mind makes the connection: I've just been trolled. More and more answers pop up, some linking you to the torturous Rick Roll vids, others making sarcy comments about your accidental misspelling. In the end, your question is never answered and your problem never rectified. Turning to violence you track down these Trolls and go on a murderous killing spree before turning your ( insert preferred weapon of choice) on yourself...

Okay, so maybe you're not going to go that far (kudos if you do though), but you get the idea of how infuriating these web-pests can be. Everyday, normal people looking for healthy discussion on the WWW are harassed and bugged by these people for no apparent reason other than simply existing. Do they seriously not have anything better to do? The truth of the matter is, if you ever do get Trolled, you've just got to picture the sweaty, greasy haired, wank-a-lot loner behind the screen, and think just how pathetic that loser is.

True 'Dat

I am, however, perhaps being a little naive about the subject. I mean, it's only a certain type of Troller I am describing above, not the whole Troller community. They're not all disgusting, asthmatic men, living in their Mum's basement playing World of Warcraft all day. Some of these guys can actually be quite funny when their sights are set on the right people. Uptight, internet know-it-alls deserve to be taken down a peg once in a while and as for those perves prowling Chat Roulette and Omegle: Yeah, they should get a Micheal Jackson GIF shoved in their faces when stroking their man parts.

Mayhap these cyberspace peeves are just looking for some justice: the nerd way. People who want to right a few wrongs of the internet, without resorting to the flimsy 'Report' button to get it done. Their methods are unorthodox and their reasons rather weak, but if  they can knock a few unlicensed cars off of the electronic highway, while adding comedy into the mix, then maybe these types of Trolls are worthwhile.

So whether it's the Greasy Loser or The Vigilante Geek you're dealing with, just take a minute to think of who's behind the keyboard and whether it's really worth the argument... Remember, the best way to deal with a Troll is to ignore them, no reaction=no satisfaction. Either that or summon Gandalf to turn them stone. Just personal preference, really. So stay safe out there while surfing and browsing, and teach those mean Trolls a lesson! And so to sing us out:

If you need some extra help with how to deal with Trolls, here's an in depth guide: Yeah here.