Quote of the Day

"We're only here briefly, and while I'm here I want to allow myself joy. So fuck it."
- Amy, Her.

Monday, 4 April 2011

Facing Fears: 5 Reasons Why Foxy Bingo Scares Me S***less

Queue the girly screaming...
Ever seen them pant-wettingly scary ads for bingo site, Foxy Bingo? You know the one with the big prick in a fox outfit making me crap myself and hide behind the sofa each time it comes on? Sure you do, it is the sponsor of The Jeremy Kyle Show after all. Well, nothing gives me the shivers more than them and I'm going to tell you why...

5. He Stalks Women
    Now if you can remember the very first Foxy Bingo advert, which aired in 2006 I believe, I think you'll agree with me that it was incredibly creepy. It included our mysterious fox walking round like he's some sort of rodent pimp, and following various women. Not only does he does he look like a Narnian-esque pervert, he actually slyly watches these unsuspecting women as they go about their daily business. At the end, a man comes up and asks why none of the women are talking, to which the fox replies: "They're saving their chat for Foxy Bingo.". More like you tore out their tongues for your twisted fantasies, you sick b*****d dog.

4. The Outfits
    If you watch this compilation, you may notice that EVERY SINGLE OUTFIT HE WEARS SCREAMS RAPIST. The creepy Hugh Hefner colour scheme not only gives serious vibes of sex offender, it also reminds me of a Scooby-Doo villain I'd once seen as a kid. Except it doesn't look like he just wants to scare those women... And he would've got away with it, if it weren't for those medaling TV censors!
I don't even... 
3. The Mannerisms
    I don't know how they do it, but Foxy looks frighteningly life-like. I'd commend the costume design people for it, if I didn't feel more like killing them for what they've set upon our screens. The ears twitch, the teeth scrape and the tail wags; It's just all too surreal for me. Add to that the way he dances like a 70's disco god and walks like a 1950's African American, and you've got yourself a deadly combination. Maybe he was made in an accidental radioactive leak and is now rising up to become king of the foxes to take over the world. Come to think of it,  there have been quite a few fox attacks in the past year... Especially on babies... Which should have been looked after by their mothers... Who are too busy playing bloody bingo online! My god, this thing's an evil genius!

2. The Voice
    Going back to the original ad specifically (because the recent Geordie Fox ads don't quite strike the same chord), and if you listen to the voice at the end, you may need to change your underwear. Imagine a mix between the voices of a Bond villain an a frog, thrown in with the sound of scraping chalk and you get a general idea of a tenth of the creepiness of his voice...

Worst. Children Entertainer. Ever.
1. The Nightmare
    Okay, so there's one main reason why Foxy makes my trousers go brown, and it's hard wired into the very depths of my thriving subconscious. It was sometime in 2006 when I was just a wee 10 year old. If my memory serves me correctly, my Dad had recently got The King Kong video game on PS2. After a marathon session of watching him play it (the selfish **** didn't give me a go...)*, I got a bit of a headache. I retired to my bed shortly after and found myself drifting off to the world of sleep. Until the Nightmare came.
    Dinosaurs and giant apes everywhere, fighting it out all over my brain. And here's the kicker. Up pops Mister Foxy (the original) in front of it all, frantically clawing toward me and scowling all kinds of stuff. I awoke just before I was subjected to whatever that dastardly fox wanted to do to me. Unfortunately though, whenever I closed my eyes there he was, like a video on loop. I couldn't escape it, no matter what I did...

* Sorry Dad...

 To this very day I'm still haunted by visions of that red headed deviant. Even normal foxes I find freaky now, which is ironic. If it weren't for that dream, my own subconscious, this kind of fear probably wouldn't be nearly as bad as it is. Funny that, how the real fear's only really in my mind... Anyway, thanks for reading if you did so, because it took me a lot of balls to trawl through those adverts to write it. Stay safe now.

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